John 9

Wisdom draws at night's delight.
The night can still be full of light.
It can be a holy hour- reflection:
what will you do that won't make things worse?

Our mistakes know better- and how to make it right.
So don't lose sight.

If you want to cast blame on someone for their blindness-
then you will be ever-more accountable for your own faults.

We all fall... because the seed that falls in death
marks the spot where it finds its grip.

The seed takes hold...

Then that grip spurs into growth.

Let go of the old.

Light-

Permeate. Through.

in a dark, drab world.

There's promise in healing
the Word is heart felt
the world has felt its heart
we need Him. draw close to the Father
He makes your cause worth living.

John 10:10- Jesus says "I am the gate". He is the one that determines what goes in- or out- of our lives. Right now, in my life, He seems to be "rearranging". This means He is entering and exiting certain people on my path of life...to teach and grow me... and most of all... HEAL me. A recent friendship healed me from a shadow of the past that followed me- and which has taught me to forgive. I am free. Now I can soar...I can fly and dream and soar. Flying implies taking off. Dreaming implies taking risks. Soaring implies admiring the aerial view. I am enjoying the glimpses of the overall picture of how God makes things connect, for my good and HIS glory. He is that amazing. And he used my brother to cast vision into my life. I declared over my brother "vision caster" and I could feel and hear his smile over the phone. Yes, this is what is needed. This is what is good and right. Next chapter.

Whirlwind

The world around me... spinning...
my thoughts disperse,
my heart loses focus...
I can't believe it.
thinking-
dreaming.
my heart cries...
Thoughts of the last 10 years scroll through my mind.

Psalm 18 I open up in the book to pray
I sing out.
I take out my guitar to play
you said to sing without a doubt,
full of faith  (verse 30)
What a God! His road...stretches
straight and smooth, not curvy..
Every God-direction is road-tested.
Everyone who runs towards him...
makes it.
makes it.
makes it... MAKES IT.
I am in a whirlwind of my mind, heart and body,,. soul
falling, falling, falling...
 letting go.

Walking back

in the streets of upper east...
at 12 AM.
without at care.
with skip and jump,
I feel love fill the air;
in my throat a lump-  
God is with me as I am aware-
of His presence.
I want to love Him in song and truth...
So, I begin to dance.
Just like that.
In the streets
of lights-
In the quiet bustle -
full of musical beats.

Past and Present Collide

I caught myself smiling at the air. I was stuck in a memory. All I could think of was how much the past has changed. yes,  I wrote that right. The past has changed. But the past can't change, you say. You're right, but my perception of the past changes. 

I recently had dinner with a friend whom I hadn't seen in 10 years. It was like looking into a mirror of time. The way we thought, acted and joked then was different. The way we thought of the future, and of our hopes and dreams was different. We didn't know anything then. I'm not claiming we know any better now, but we see life differently now. We chased after our dreams upon completing a difficult and job, which transformed us. And we look back on it with thankfulness. We hold up a thankfulness torch, which ignited the path that we continued to tread, which led us to loving where we are now. The future takes on new shapes and forms as we think, experience, imagine and remember. 

Revealed

I have not posted in a while...again. So here I am, confessing what has been on my heart...again. 

I have gone through a season in which I was tempted to "give up". I questioned whether this journey with Christ is worth all the discipline and sacrifice that I needs to be applied. I felt it was easier in my "younger days" to be faithful. I needed less. I had more of Christ. I realized I needed a revelation. I needed to ignite the fire of Christ in my soul...again. How did I lose it? How did I allow it to begin to slip away? Somewhere in my travels I felt burdened by the pain and brokenness in this world. I could not understand God through all the depravity and desolation of hunger, slavery, war...although I could not deny that He is good and He does not cause suffering; I still wrestled. I was overwhelmed by the needs around me, with so little that I could actually give. The only answer I could resonate was: God HAS overcome this; and so shall we. The question remained: what is my part in all this? 

Then the revelation came: what we do in this life does not just echo in eternity. Eternity collects all the acts of love, goodness, kindness, faithfulness, gentleness, self-control and deposits it into the restored heaven and earth. It all continues as reality,  not as points towards a scoreboard. It became more meaningful to me to remember that what I am doing in the very moment to encourage someone or pray healing into their lives, is forming into a reality that lasts for eternity.

I am in a season of my life in which I am learning something profound: how to accept Jesus as the King of my heart. The King of my heart has access to every part of me. This is difficult because I'm not always aware of those things in my life that I need to let go of...but He doesn't call me to know that. He calls me to live out life while holding his hand. Heartbreak can no longer affect me. I turn to him and He clothes me with the purple robe of grace...and I can rejoice.

Moments. Recently, one morning, I was feeling so low that I couldn't get myself out of bed. I got up out of necessity. I opened my Bible, prayed. Then cried. I couldn't stop crying. What was wrong with me? I asked God, as a crawled into bed...I had worship music playing. Bethel's "Have it All" album. "Colors" was playing. I hadn't paid much attention to the music I put on until that moment. I asked God to "bring color to my life" through my tears. I didn't know what I was praying. Then I look over at my Colorado sweatshirt I usually wear only it was thrown over the back of my futon in that moment. It's all about those moments. I notice the only word that can be read from Colorado was "Color" in bold letters. I didn't notice until that moment.

The Beginning of Another Journey

I am aware that I have not written in a while. Yet, here it goes; more of my thoughts on life as I experience it.

"If you go to Jesus, he may ask of you far more than you originally planned to give, but He can give you infinitely more than you dared or hoped". (Timothy Keller, King's Cross, p. 66)
I reminded myself, as I prayed to God, that I wanted to start a private practice some day and use many other passions, interests and skills. I felt all these desires and plans develop in me, so I started to write them down. I didn't realize number one and possibly number two would be responded with so quickly. I was simply checking out the options, I was just scoping things out. Then I felt that "nudge". I had to make sure what kind of "nudge" it was. Was it my usual, prideful "I'm going to show myself and everyone I can do this!" However, that one is usually followed by fear because I know I can't fool anyone, not even myself. It was a nudge that told me "this is the way, walk in it". I knew it would be a risk. I knew I didn't have to go through with it, but I knew it fit; and it would require all of me and all of my trust in Jesus. Yet, I had this exciting assurance that it would be worth the risk.