Walking back

in the streets of upper east...
at 12 AM.
without at care.
with skip and jump,
I feel love fill the air;
in my throat a lump-  
God is with me as I am aware-
of His presence.
I want to love Him in song and truth...
So, I begin to dance.
Just like that.
In the streets
of lights-
In the quiet bustle -
full of musical beats.

Past and Present Collide

I caught myself smiling at the air. I was stuck in a memory. All I could think of was how much the past has changed. yes,  I wrote that right. The past has changed. But the past can't change, you say. You're right, but my perception of the past changes. 

I recently had dinner with a friend whom I hadn't seen in 10 years. It was like looking into a mirror of time. The way we thought, acted and joked then was different. The way we thought of the future, and of our hopes and dreams was different. We didn't know anything then. I'm not claiming we know any better now, but we see life differently now. We chased after our dreams upon completing a difficult and job, which transformed us. And we look back on it with thankfulness. We hold up a thankfulness torch, which ignited the path that we continued to tread, which led us to loving where we are now. The future takes on new shapes and forms as we think, experience, imagine and remember. 

Revealed

I have not posted in a while...again. So here I am, confessing what has been on my heart...again. 

I have gone through a season in which I was tempted to "give up". I questioned whether this journey with Christ is worth all the discipline and sacrifice that I needs to be applied. I felt it was easier in my "younger days" to be faithful. I needed less. I had more of Christ. I realized I needed a revelation. I needed to ignite the fire of Christ in my soul...again. How did I lose it? How did I allow it to begin to slip away? Somewhere in my travels I felt burdened by the pain and brokenness in this world. I could not understand God through all the depravity and desolation of hunger, slavery, war...although I could not deny that He is good and He does not cause suffering; I still wrestled. I was overwhelmed by the needs around me, with so little that I could actually give. The only answer I could resonate was: God HAS overcome this; and so shall we. The question remained: what is my part in all this? 

Then the revelation came: what we do in this life does not just echo in eternity. Eternity collects all the acts of love, goodness, kindness, faithfulness, gentleness, self-control and deposits it into the restored heaven and earth. It all continues as reality,  not as points towards a scoreboard. It became more meaningful to me to remember that what I am doing in the very moment to encourage someone or pray healing into their lives, is forming into a reality that lasts for eternity.

I am in a season of my life in which I am learning something profound: how to accept Jesus as the King of my heart. The King of my heart has access to every part of me. This is difficult because I'm not always aware of those things in my life that I need to let go of...but He doesn't call me to know that. He calls me to live out life while holding his hand. Heartbreak can no longer affect me. I turn to him and He clothes me with the purple robe of grace...and I can rejoice.

Moments. Recently, one morning, I was feeling so low that I couldn't get myself out of bed. I got up out of necessity. I opened my Bible, prayed. Then cried. I couldn't stop crying. What was wrong with me? I asked God, as a crawled into bed...I had worship music playing. Bethel's "Have it All" album. "Colors" was playing. I hadn't paid much attention to the music I put on until that moment. I asked God to "bring color to my life" through my tears. I didn't know what I was praying. Then I look over at my Colorado sweatshirt I usually wear only it was thrown over the back of my futon in that moment. It's all about those moments. I notice the only word that can be read from Colorado was "Color" in bold letters. I didn't notice until that moment.

The Beginning of Another Journey

I am aware that I have not written in a while. Yet, here it goes; more of my thoughts on life as I experience it.

"If you go to Jesus, he may ask of you far more than you originally planned to give, but He can give you infinitely more than you dared or hoped". (Timothy Keller, King's Cross, p. 66)
I reminded myself, as I prayed to God, that I wanted to start a private practice some day and use many other passions, interests and skills. I felt all these desires and plans develop in me, so I started to write them down. I didn't realize number one and possibly number two would be responded with so quickly. I was simply checking out the options, I was just scoping things out. Then I felt that "nudge". I had to make sure what kind of "nudge" it was. Was it my usual, prideful "I'm going to show myself and everyone I can do this!" However, that one is usually followed by fear because I know I can't fool anyone, not even myself. It was a nudge that told me "this is the way, walk in it". I knew it would be a risk. I knew I didn't have to go through with it, but I knew it fit; and it would require all of me and all of my trust in Jesus. Yet, I had this exciting assurance that it would be worth the risk.

Observations as I drive through Beirut...

the woman talking to the two men behind the barbed wire- the men hanging around together at the manouche shop, while the ladies with covered heads shopped for their next meals. Dirty, crowded roads with the beat if bustle on the street. The inviting quick-slow coffee break to talk about anything and everything that comes to mind.

Men with men. "Habibi" - meaning I care about you and how you're doing, including your presence in my life.  I get anxious at the wheel. I want to arrive, but I don't.

I decide to do what I should have done yesterday when I got lost in a familiar place. Pray.

Depositing truth where I tread.

Holy Spirit flowing through...