What is happiness? What is this strange feeling of usefulness, purpose, and dignity that we call fulfilling? 1 John 3:1, 3:  “Behold what manner of love the Father has bestowed on us that we should be called children of God!!!...And everyone who has this hope purifies himself, JUST AS HE IS PURE”!!! I cannot deny I am a sinner, because if I do then I call God a liar…but now I am pure as He is, thankful to this hope of being His child! We are not alone! God gave us help: if our hearts bring us down and depressed, Christ is greater than our hearts and He knows all things and brings us out of what is holding us back (1 John 3:20)!

The tongue is deceitful, who can tame it? (James 3:7-9.) I try to, and each time it feels like I have fewer victories and more failures because the flesh wants the best of me. However, this flesh is like the grass: it will disappear one day, and God’s Words will remain (1 Peter 1:24-25; Isaiah 40:6-8). I don’t want my words to remain. They are worthless; they have hurt people and have shied away from sharing a truthful message about Christ. Oh Lord, forgive me. Forgive my Western friends and families who have over the generations made wrong decisions in how to respond to the rest of the world. It has not been wise or just; even the wealth of the West and the “whites” is not from a truthful method. It came from the sweat of slaves, the exploitation of the voiceless… I tried to deny my relationship to the West when I was younger so I could be rid of the responsibility. But they are still my sisters and brothers. God still loves them, He still loves me- and the sooner I humble myself the more free I can be. It’s His kindness that brings repentance…and with repentance (sins) brings grace all the more (Romans 5:20). Praise God through Jesus Christ! This is true joy, true fellowship with the Son.

A series of events

Samuel 30

This was the day where peace was avenged, and it moved me.

But David had compassion in his heart, not because he cared for the people, but because he knew how much God had been with him through it all: when God told him he would take over his enemies, when he saw that his men were strong, and when he gave food to a stranger, after he had not had anything to eat for days. He recognized the supremacy of God. He knew God was more powerful than his situation, and he could trust in God to save him. Just as when David wrote as one of his Psalms: “I am the Lord your God, who will never leave you nor forsake you. The Lord God is my helper; what can man do to me? If God is for me, then who can be against me?” Did he know these songs would be passed down for generations to come? No. He only wanted to worship God not because God was going to be angry with him if he did not, but because God loved him and David knew that. How else could he respond to true love than to offer thanks and acknowledgment to the one, true God? He could not help himself. The same feeling was in this moment: how much he wanted to do what was right, not because God would be more pleased with him, because God knew David’s heart, but out of his own, natural trust for God (developed by God in his life over the years), he wanted to give the plunder to all. He knew the plunder would be needed by everyone. If everyone were to enjoy it, then there would be less greed. How can one want to take from someone else when they are amply supplied to contentment? And that is what happened. David trusted God that he would not need all the plunder for himself; God would give him what he needed when he needed it. Just as David experienced in childhood how God killed the giant, Goliath, because God gave him the strength he needed. David wanted for nothing.

I have just discovered something quite profound. The verse "I must decrease so He must increase" has made an impact on me. I know the similar prayer: "God, increase so I can decrease". I meant this to be, "God take over this situation, because I am about to mess it up". Now, I understand God is telling me to take what I have and give it to him. The little that I have (like the boy with the lunch of loaves and fish) so He may "increase" it. I admit, I don't have much: experience, wisdom, materials...but God can make something beautiful out of what He has created in me from dust (Psalm 103:14). I am convinced I need to get to this point to accept that God is my everything.

On top

God is doing amazing things! Just this month He is showing me how the fruit of the little things He has led me to do (such as pray with a friend) has led to big results! I think He wants to show me this so that I am not discouraged when I am in Lebanon and it feels like what I am doing is of limited worth. It is not with Him, because He gives us this grace that brings us confidence in Him, which allows us to do immeasurably more than we can ask or imagine!

(This is found in Ephesians 3:10-22.)

I am truly learning how to give up what is comfortable in order to let Christ be everything to me. After having "accomplished" all I could this year: getting to know a new area, becoming a "seasoned" Marriage and Family Therapist...I am now facing having to start over: learning a new language, training in new skills such as teaching...I don't fully understand God's way in this. It is why "His ways are not my ways..." (Is. 55:8).

Boasting!

I wanted to simply boast in the Lord that I am renewed thanks to Him! He truly puts the "lonely in families" and is "close to the brokenhearted", as He ministered to me when I was in a state of fear: a couple of weeks ago while my family was spending Easter in Argentina, I felt afraid of the pain occuring in my other hip, so I got in a last minute appointment with the doctor that afternoon, I left work early...and I got there to find a lady I know through another church who is in her 60's (I was on a Greece-Turkey trip with her in 2010 and we roomed together and got close), who turned out to be my biggest encouragement! God is right and truthful when He says he places the lonely in families, because she became my mother as I cried all afraid about my hip. She prayed and hugged me in the waiting room and the people around us had tears in their eyes when we noticed who was around. They agreed: "Wow, God made it for you to be here together to be comforted!" It was a amazing. After an MRI, all was okay, and I was able to spend time with a good friend who works at the orthopedic office as a nurse (we went to elementary school together).

Being

As I went on a walk with my crutches the other day, in this Spring-like weather, God gave me a new revelation about His love for me. I came to notice that my "condition" of being helpless and weak by having to rely on crutches to walk, and praying through every breath I take so as not to induce any pain on my hip. When I do simple tasks, such as getting dressed or preparing food, I have taken for granted how easily these behaviors were. I sped through them in order to get to the "next thing I had to do". Certainly, the simple and mundane is not "significant" enough to spend much time on. However, my thoughts on the simple tasks have changed, now that I must depend on others to help me carry things, and I go much slower than I used to; having to make changes in the way I adapt the task at hand to my limited mobility. This is when God reveals to me how precious I am to Him. I feel like a child, who cannot do anything for herself; and that is how God wants me to be with Him. I am to be like His child, solely dependent on His loving- kindness for stability and strength. Thank you so much Jesus that I need is you.  In you, I live a move and have my being...