The Beginning of Another Journey

I am aware that I have not written in a while. Yet, here it goes; more of my thoughts on life as I experience it.

"If you go to Jesus, he may ask of you far more than you originally planned to give, but He can give you infinitely more than you dared or hoped". (Timothy Keller, King's Cross, p. 66)
I reminded myself, as I prayed to God, that I wanted to start a private practice some day and use many other passions, interests and skills. I felt all these desires and plans develop in me, so I started to write them down. I didn't realize number one and possibly number two would be responded with so quickly. I was simply checking out the options, I was just scoping things out. Then I felt that "nudge". I had to make sure what kind of "nudge" it was. Was it my usual, prideful "I'm going to show myself and everyone I can do this!" However, that one is usually followed by fear because I know I can't fool anyone, not even myself. It was a nudge that told me "this is the way, walk in it". I knew it would be a risk. I knew I didn't have to go through with it, but I knew it fit; and it would require all of me and all of my trust in Jesus. Yet, I had this exciting assurance that it would be worth the risk.

Observations as I drive through Beirut...

the woman talking to the two men behind the barbed wire- the men hanging around together at the manouche shop, while the ladies with covered heads shopped for their next meals. Dirty, crowded roads with the beat if bustle on the street. The inviting quick-slow coffee break to talk about anything and everything that comes to mind.

Men with men. "Habibi" - meaning I care about you and how you're doing, including your presence in my life.  I get anxious at the wheel. I want to arrive, but I don't.

I decide to do what I should have done yesterday when I got lost in a familiar place. Pray.

Depositing truth where I tread.

Holy Spirit flowing through...

New Leaves

Don't be afraid of forming new leaves. 
It's a chance at something new, something green
New life emerges from the dead of winter- 
All that was dark and sinister...
What you put off is now made new
Jesus Christ lives in you. 
Rejoice! Be glad! 
There's nothing left from which to hold back! 
Sometimes the growth part hurts- 
Because life is forming and then it bursts-
And just overnight, 
You're given new sight!
A new perspective, a new you!
That's something that can't be done on your own
No matter what you do.
So, enjoy life, carry on
For He who carried you, carries your burden too.
You who are soft spoken will be heard 
and those that are loud won't be seen as absurd.
It's a new day, a new life, you know
And He who holds you will NEVER let go.

Ode to trials- with Jesus!

Time is passing.
I know this because I have new memories and I am beginning to reminisce the old ones.
I am learning new things about life and discovering realities that are hard to accept.
And the more I grow, the more thankful I am I have Jesus.
Words cannot express how thankful I am to have a Savior
a consistent teacher
and comforter
who knows me
and seeks for me to know Him.
He seeks the best for me and understands my desires.
He can read into how I feel and perfectly why,
even when I don't.
When I feel scared, anxious, or nervous.
He clothes me in comfort in those times and expects nothing less.
I hear His voice and I am able to understand it.
He rejoices in my gladness and fives me joy and laughter
throught trials.
And so I dance.

Lebanon snowglobe

My Lebanon snow globe with a cedar in the middle. It's fun to touch and fiddle.
In my therapy sessions, the children marvel at how the snow falls, it has a soothing visual;
I thought it was common for it to be intriguing...and I was glad about the new addition to my shelf.
Yet, I was struck by the little girl who was coming out of a session from across the hall, and spotted the globe from a far. She didn't hesitate to ask if she could see the globe up close; I agreed and she gave it a good shake.

The snow began to fall, and she was in awe. I realized: the tickling take was more than the snow globe's value. It's more than a memory frozen in a statue-
It's a connection from past to present; my 2 heart loves that meet to represent: the life I felt I lost, but it really lives; with the life I once had to trade...
Both lives of passion and compassion
Didn't actually disappear or fade
There, they linger, together
In a link
Right before me in a simple shake...And as quick as...
a blink
I'm not in fact giving up but living up-
To my call
Where compassion gives way in a session
Hearts are healed...
And encouraged.
My significance and purpose since my first breath. It's recognizable and familiar because it is the pulse that beats inside of me.
It's permission to be.
It encompasses
My all
Part of my identity
A call
Ah, I can breathe again- out a sigh
Of relief
As I get up and repeat
"Let the heart compass direct, lives to intersect,
And the snow to fall".

I was thinking recently about when my parents came to visit me in Lebanon last November. We decided to visit the Quedesha Valley, since it had many points of interest, such as the poet's house, Gibran Khalil Gibran. We got up the mountain towards Becharre a bit late, it was getting to be dusk. We began to see snow and a deep cloud enveloped us, causing us to see less through the dark of what was ahead. I knew the path. I had been there that August. My parents got nervous. Their questions started out from a place of impatience: When will we arrive to the hotel? ...and turned into a more concerned plea to turn around: Are you sure there is a hotel? We don't believe you. Do you really know where we are? I kept insisting I knew where we were and there would be a hotel appearing soon. Even in the dark and smog, I was certain of where we were. I wasn't going to let them give up, because I knew we were so close. Suddenly, after trying to ignore their constant pleas and questions, we turned a corner and the road began to straighten and we could see buildings approaching soon. I pointed to the hotel that would provide a sense of comfort in an unknown place. They began to relax and they understood I was right.
I began to think about how much I do this with God. There are multiple times in which I doubt if He's leading me in the right direction, but He knows where I am and where I want to go. He's telling me, "It's coming! Just trust me! I know it doesn't seem like it now, but it's there, just wait."

What I’ve been learning (October, 2014)

 

1.     Humility in my identity. When I first arrived to Lebanon, I was stripped of everything that defined me.  I was someone who took “pride “in knowing three languages fluently (almost four): English, Spanish, Italian and French. In fact, I was treated as if I were invaluable when I applied for jobs, because of the growing need for Spanish speakers in my field. My field of “expertise”, which I began to do well and with ease, was Marriage and Family Therapy. It was there that I was exposed to a variety of people with situations in which I could help guide them through. Now, in Lebanon, I taught English (yes, a language much desired), and my knowledge of other languages did not seem to matter anymore. I would be forever labeled as “foreign”, even if I perfected Arabic, in which I was a long way away from accomplishing.

Through this experience, I learned my status or identity is not in what I do or what I’ve done, or even what I am good at or not good at. I was able to stop comparing myself to others and be myself. After all, God says He loves me no matter what. He created me, and wants to be with me. I am His child and He loves me. This is enough.

2.     How to honor myself without being selfish. My mom used to tell me, “You treat yourself like you are a rag on the floor”. I always disagreed. How could she possibly say that? I thought. I saw myself as “helping” and “serving”, yet I could not figure out why I was constantly busy. Yes, serving others at my expense made me “feel good” or at least “needed”, but the price was very high to pay. Then, I went to Lebanon, where I needed to be a “missionary” and report on ministries I am “doing”, which should sound “important” on paper. I soon found nothing I did seemed important enough until I took a step back to just dwell with Jesus. To dwell in reading the Bible and worship Him.

What happened to help me learn these things? Well, I crashed. I went to the darkest place and came out of it, experiencing a new light. I read in a devotional: “God blesses us to draw us closer to Him”…