New Leaves

Don't be afraid of forming new leaves. 
It's a chance at something new, something green
New life emerges from the dead of winter- 
All that was dark and sinister...
What you put off is now made new
Jesus Christ lives in you. 
Rejoice! Be glad! 
There's nothing left from which to hold back! 
Sometimes the growth part hurts- 
Because life is forming and then it bursts-
And just overnight, 
You're given new sight!
A new perspective, a new you!
That's something that can't be done on your own
No matter what you do.
So, enjoy life, carry on
For He who carried you, carries your burden too.
You who are soft spoken will be heard 
and those that are loud won't be seen as absurd.
It's a new day, a new life, you know
And He who holds you will NEVER let go.

Ode to trials- with Jesus!

Time is passing.
I know this because I have new memories and I am beginning to reminisce the old ones.
I am learning new things about life and discovering realities that are hard to accept.
And the more I grow, the more thankful I am I have Jesus.
Words cannot express how thankful I am to have a Savior
a consistent teacher
and comforter
who knows me
and seeks for me to know Him.
He seeks the best for me and understands my desires.
He can read into how I feel and perfectly why,
even when I don't.
When I feel scared, anxious, or nervous.
He clothes me in comfort in those times and expects nothing less.
I hear His voice and I am able to understand it.
He rejoices in my gladness and fives me joy and laughter
throught trials.
And so I dance.

Lebanon snowglobe

My Lebanon snow globe with a cedar in the middle. It's fun to touch and fiddle.
In my therapy sessions, the children marvel at how the snow falls, it has a soothing visual;
I thought it was common for it to be intriguing...and I was glad about the new addition to my shelf.
Yet, I was struck by the little girl who was coming out of a session from across the hall, and spotted the globe from a far. She didn't hesitate to ask if she could see the globe up close; I agreed and she gave it a good shake.

The snow began to fall, and she was in awe. I realized: the tickling take was more than the snow globe's value. It's more than a memory frozen in a statue-
It's a connection from past to present; my 2 heart loves that meet to represent: the life I felt I lost, but it really lives; with the life I once had to trade...
Both lives of passion and compassion
Didn't actually disappear or fade
There, they linger, together
In a link
Right before me in a simple shake...And as quick as...
a blink
I'm not in fact giving up but living up-
To my call
Where compassion gives way in a session
Hearts are healed...
And encouraged.
My significance and purpose since my first breath. It's recognizable and familiar because it is the pulse that beats inside of me.
It's permission to be.
It encompasses
My all
Part of my identity
A call
Ah, I can breathe again- out a sigh
Of relief
As I get up and repeat
"Let the heart compass direct, lives to intersect,
And the snow to fall".

I was thinking recently about when my parents came to visit me in Lebanon last November. We decided to visit the Quedesha Valley, since it had many points of interest, such as the poet's house, Gibran Khalil Gibran. We got up the mountain towards Becharre a bit late, it was getting to be dusk. We began to see snow and a deep cloud enveloped us, causing us to see less through the dark of what was ahead. I knew the path. I had been there that August. My parents got nervous. Their questions started out from a place of impatience: When will we arrive to the hotel? ...and turned into a more concerned plea to turn around: Are you sure there is a hotel? We don't believe you. Do you really know where we are? I kept insisting I knew where we were and there would be a hotel appearing soon. Even in the dark and smog, I was certain of where we were. I wasn't going to let them give up, because I knew we were so close. Suddenly, after trying to ignore their constant pleas and questions, we turned a corner and the road began to straighten and we could see buildings approaching soon. I pointed to the hotel that would provide a sense of comfort in an unknown place. They began to relax and they understood I was right.
I began to think about how much I do this with God. There are multiple times in which I doubt if He's leading me in the right direction, but He knows where I am and where I want to go. He's telling me, "It's coming! Just trust me! I know it doesn't seem like it now, but it's there, just wait."

What I’ve been learning (October, 2014)

 

1.     Humility in my identity. When I first arrived to Lebanon, I was stripped of everything that defined me.  I was someone who took “pride “in knowing three languages fluently (almost four): English, Spanish, Italian and French. In fact, I was treated as if I were invaluable when I applied for jobs, because of the growing need for Spanish speakers in my field. My field of “expertise”, which I began to do well and with ease, was Marriage and Family Therapy. It was there that I was exposed to a variety of people with situations in which I could help guide them through. Now, in Lebanon, I taught English (yes, a language much desired), and my knowledge of other languages did not seem to matter anymore. I would be forever labeled as “foreign”, even if I perfected Arabic, in which I was a long way away from accomplishing.

Through this experience, I learned my status or identity is not in what I do or what I’ve done, or even what I am good at or not good at. I was able to stop comparing myself to others and be myself. After all, God says He loves me no matter what. He created me, and wants to be with me. I am His child and He loves me. This is enough.

2.     How to honor myself without being selfish. My mom used to tell me, “You treat yourself like you are a rag on the floor”. I always disagreed. How could she possibly say that? I thought. I saw myself as “helping” and “serving”, yet I could not figure out why I was constantly busy. Yes, serving others at my expense made me “feel good” or at least “needed”, but the price was very high to pay. Then, I went to Lebanon, where I needed to be a “missionary” and report on ministries I am “doing”, which should sound “important” on paper. I soon found nothing I did seemed important enough until I took a step back to just dwell with Jesus. To dwell in reading the Bible and worship Him.

What happened to help me learn these things? Well, I crashed. I went to the darkest place and came out of it, experiencing a new light. I read in a devotional: “God blesses us to draw us closer to Him”…

I am not a missionary

I have decided I am not a real missionary. A real missionary goes to a jungle in an unreached part of the world, learns the language by speaking to the locals, has limited contact with friends and family back home, serves 24/7 without thinking of oneself.

I don't do that. I enjoy a glass of wine, go dancing, watch sports, wander through the city, go home to visit often, travel around nationally and in the surrounding countries, pay for language classes and rest often, thinking of myself in order to be able to give out.

I think I was partly disappointed. This explains why (on 14/07/14), out of nowhere, my emotions went everywhere, and I couldn’t contain the overwhelming sense of loss and a seemingly bleak and boring future! A sense of loss of what I left behind. I came to Beirut because God told me to and I partly wanted to. So, I willingly ‘stepped out in faith’, overcoming many fears and unknowns. I know in the Bible it says, ‘faith is being assured of what we do not see, through hope’…and many people written about in the Bible ‘did not see what they hoped for in their lifetime’. It came later, after they could see it. Such as God’s promise that Abraham’s descendants would be as numerous as the stars; or like Moses leading his people to the promised land that he never entered. I thought I was different. I thought I would see it. I thought things would be clear after a year of living in Beirut. I was willing to be patient- for a time. And I had fun in the waiting. However, I look at time, and I get anxious. I look at my age and what I hoped to accomplish and the possibility of how much more time could be left over, not wanting to waste a single moment! I know more now: more Arabic, more people, more about the culture; but nothing about my life seems to make sense anymore. Why am I really here and what is the purpose? Shouldn’t it be more clear now, the direction I am supposed to be going? If God does not reveal the way, how can I know what steps to take?

So, as I tearfully grieved that I do not know, I knew God was listening not to my words, but to my tears; for my tears were directly linked to my heart. I just don’t know, my heart cried. But I want to trust and for this heaviness to go away. As I lay there, my heart grew at rest, like dust settling back onto the earth after agitating it. Although I did not have an answer, I knew God had heard me, and that was enough. Time will tell, and God is in control of time. In fact, he is not limited to time. 

For some reason, God wanted me to be reminded over and over of Luke 11: the culture and context behind it, the meaning and message. Basically, to ask God. It takes boldness to ask. And Jesus wants this. He wants us to be confident in what we want because what we want will nourish us. And he will it give it because he knows how to give good gifts. However, the tricky thing is, it may not be in the package we expect. So, instead of asking for things, it’s wise to ask for qualities and ideas so God can work out the details through us.  The man knew in Luke 11 that he wanted bread for his guests. It was not wrong to want bread, but the neighbour made it seem like it was. I want to go home and see my family for a visit. I felt God say, ‘there’s nothing wrong with that’. He agreed with my need in this particular situation and gave me favour with it. Thank you, my father, giver of good gifts!

God told me this morning (15/07/14) he is ‘changing my perspectives’, and I remember the dream I had a little over a year ago when He first told me that. Now I see why. In fact, now I see parts of the bigger picture that even just yesterday I could not see. God answered my prayers when I asked him to show me the purpose of all of this. He showed me that my time spent with my students (especially the Egyptian girls) was not an error. He is using that to show me how to encourage and disciple and support in this culture with ‘safe’ people that I could make mistakes with. I sense God leading me to disciple a Syrian mother of 4 who is a new Christian and stays at home a lot. If I do not do it formally, I will visit her and bring an excuse to read the Bible and pray with her. I wonder who else I can do this with! I find is more appealing than evangelizing. Working with Muslims is hard work, because it takes a lot of patience. So, my perspectives of wanting to see fruit right away, know my purpose, and of what a missionary looks like is all being challenged at the moment. I have decided I don’t like that title. I am simply a worker for Christ. In fact, I don’t want a title.