I am in a season of my life in which I am learning something profound: how to accept Jesus as the King of my heart. The King of my heart has access to every part of me. This is difficult because I'm not always aware of those things in my life that I need to let go of...but He doesn't call me to know that. He calls me to live out life while holding his hand. Heartbreak can no longer affect me. I turn to him and He clothes me with the purple robe of grace...and I can rejoice.

Moments. Recently, one morning, I was feeling so low that I couldn't get myself out of bed. I got up out of necessity. I opened my Bible, prayed. Then cried. I couldn't stop crying. What was wrong with me? I asked God, as a crawled into bed...I had worship music playing. Bethel's "Have it All" album. "Colors" was playing. I hadn't paid much attention to the music I put on until that moment. I asked God to "bring color to my life" through my tears. I didn't know what I was praying. Then I look over at my Colorado sweatshirt I usually wear only it was thrown over the back of my futon in that moment. It's all about those moments. I notice the only word that can be read from Colorado was "Color" in bold letters. I didn't notice until that moment.

The Beginning of Another Journey

I am aware that I have not written in a while. Yet, here it goes; more of my thoughts on life as I experience it.

"If you go to Jesus, he may ask of you far more than you originally planned to give, but He can give you infinitely more than you dared or hoped". (Timothy Keller, King's Cross, p. 66)
I reminded myself, as I prayed to God, that I wanted to start a private practice some day and use many other passions, interests and skills. I felt all these desires and plans develop in me, so I started to write them down. I didn't realize number one and possibly number two would be responded with so quickly. I was simply checking out the options, I was just scoping things out. Then I felt that "nudge". I had to make sure what kind of "nudge" it was. Was it my usual, prideful "I'm going to show myself and everyone I can do this!" However, that one is usually followed by fear because I know I can't fool anyone, not even myself. It was a nudge that told me "this is the way, walk in it". I knew it would be a risk. I knew I didn't have to go through with it, but I knew it fit; and it would require all of me and all of my trust in Jesus. Yet, I had this exciting assurance that it would be worth the risk.

Observations as I drive through Beirut...

the woman talking to the two men behind the barbed wire- the men hanging around together at the manouche shop, while the ladies with covered heads shopped for their next meals. Dirty, crowded roads with the beat if bustle on the street. The inviting quick-slow coffee break to talk about anything and everything that comes to mind.

Men with men. "Habibi" - meaning I care about you and how you're doing, including your presence in my life.  I get anxious at the wheel. I want to arrive, but I don't.

I decide to do what I should have done yesterday when I got lost in a familiar place. Pray.

Depositing truth where I tread.

Holy Spirit flowing through...

New Leaves

Don't be afraid of forming new leaves. 
It's a chance at something new, something green
New life emerges from the dead of winter- 
All that was dark and sinister...
What you put off is now made new
Jesus Christ lives in you. 
Rejoice! Be glad! 
There's nothing left from which to hold back! 
Sometimes the growth part hurts- 
Because life is forming and then it bursts-
And just overnight, 
You're given new sight!
A new perspective, a new you!
That's something that can't be done on your own
No matter what you do.
So, enjoy life, carry on
For He who carried you, carries your burden too.
You who are soft spoken will be heard 
and those that are loud won't be seen as absurd.
It's a new day, a new life, you know
And He who holds you will NEVER let go.

Ode to trials- with Jesus!

Time is passing.
I know this because I have new memories and I am beginning to reminisce the old ones.
I am learning new things about life and discovering realities that are hard to accept.
And the more I grow, the more thankful I am I have Jesus.
Words cannot express how thankful I am to have a Savior
a consistent teacher
and comforter
who knows me
and seeks for me to know Him.
He seeks the best for me and understands my desires.
He can read into how I feel and perfectly why,
even when I don't.
When I feel scared, anxious, or nervous.
He clothes me in comfort in those times and expects nothing less.
I hear His voice and I am able to understand it.
He rejoices in my gladness and fives me joy and laughter
throught trials.
And so I dance.

Lebanon snowglobe

My Lebanon snow globe with a cedar in the middle. It's fun to touch and fiddle.
In my therapy sessions, the children marvel at how the snow falls, it has a soothing visual;
I thought it was common for it to be intriguing...and I was glad about the new addition to my shelf.
Yet, I was struck by the little girl who was coming out of a session from across the hall, and spotted the globe from a far. She didn't hesitate to ask if she could see the globe up close; I agreed and she gave it a good shake.

The snow began to fall, and she was in awe. I realized: the tickling take was more than the snow globe's value. It's more than a memory frozen in a statue-
It's a connection from past to present; my 2 heart loves that meet to represent: the life I felt I lost, but it really lives; with the life I once had to trade...
Both lives of passion and compassion
Didn't actually disappear or fade
There, they linger, together
In a link
Right before me in a simple shake...And as quick as...
a blink
I'm not in fact giving up but living up-
To my call
Where compassion gives way in a session
Hearts are healed...
And encouraged.
My significance and purpose since my first breath. It's recognizable and familiar because it is the pulse that beats inside of me.
It's permission to be.
It encompasses
My all
Part of my identity
A call
Ah, I can breathe again- out a sigh
Of relief
As I get up and repeat
"Let the heart compass direct, lives to intersect,
And the snow to fall".